On friendship and context collapse
different types of friendship, how to stop being a chameleon, and breaking out of thought patterns
I’m haunted by this idea of life is passing you by and you’re not paying attention. Or that there are these things around you that you could be changed by or could be meaningful, or connections you could be making, that simply are not rendered to you in your reality because of this very stable and hyper-optimized pattern of attention that you’ve learned.
— Jenny Odell, artist and author of How to Do Nothing
Happy November! 🎃 👻 🍁
I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately— what makes a good friend, why people are friends, and the impact of friendships. Especially since I've removed myself from a lot of context of this world, none of my friendships are convenient anymore. It's probably the first time in my life that I've been in a state of self-induced “context collapse” for an extended period of time. We've been surrounded by something our entire lives - family, school, internships, college, work. I haven't been based anywhere for more than two weeks for the last four months, so I've been forced to be intentional about who/what I decide to devote time towards.
We feel hints of this when graduating and starting new chapters of our lives without structures such as college communities, except I was lucky to have friends of proximity in New York as well. I’ve always enjoyed my alone time, but only recently realized how crucial it is for my growth. Most of the time now, I've encouraged myself to be okay with being alone, even when it's uncomfortable. Especially when it's uncomfortable. I'm training myself to meet my own needs internally first, instead of projecting them onto others. As human beings, we are of course social creatures and this time has made me all the more thankful to have supportive friends during this journey of mine—something that I do not take for granted.
Niklas Göke published an article this week in which he covers Aristotle's observations on three types of friendship: utility, pleasure, and virtue. I've summarized them below:
Friendships of utility and pleasure are convenient and based on what you can get out of someone. Not necessarily bad, but they will be fleeting unless they evolve into the third type, virtue — one of intention. According to Aristotle, friends of virtue are the friends that last, the ones who "simply exist because you value who they are." Niklas writes the following:
When we’re young, we tend to choose friendships of pleasure. As we age, utility slowly becomes our preference. The only way to a true friend, however, leads through time. It’s a path we walk alongside them, and taking it is a choice we have to make again and again. So no matter how old we are, we must work to form pure friendships.
The last couple of weeks especially, has made me incredibly grateful for the people who make the choice again and again to be there for me. To the ones who took off work just to hang out, who cried with me while I watched Parent Trap for the first time, who fell asleep with me talking till 4AM, who randomly call and check in, who don't take it personally when I don't text back for days, thank you. Your presence matters more than you know.
Tangential to friendship is the concept of identity. While at hot pot with seven friends that I brought together from very different contexts, I started wondering whether all of these people knew the same Amy. I consider some of my greatest strengths to be adaptability and empathy, and in turn, the ability to connect with many types of different people. At a Sunday brunch with a friend I hadn't seen in six years, we discussed how living in different contexts made us feel less than whole. In my personal and professional life, I've always felt pulled in many different directions. In adapting to who I thought was right for the situation, I no longer had (or maybe never did) a strong understanding of my own identity.
Who is Amy when she's just Amy, without any labels? not corporate Amy who wants to never worry about money, not sustainable Amy who wishes more people would care about the environment, not needy Amy who wants cuddles and attention, not familial Amy who is afraid of not giving enough back to her parents?
For much of my life I felt like a chameleon, knowing how to blend in with my environment and act the way I thought was expected. I suspect that much of this came from my upbringing and naturally being a bridge between different worlds. Starting at however young I learned how to speak, I would seamlessly switch between English and Mandarin, depending on whether I was speaking to my dad or my mom. I've found that many other mixed heritage and immigrant folks feel similarly, especially when the need to assimilate and blend in is an act of survival. Perhaps we got too good at assimilating.
When thinking about this topic, I often think back to what a friend wrote about being borderless:
What if we see ourselves more like a bowl of salad, with each ingredients adding to the flavor? What if we see ourselves more like a piece of painting, with different colors and textures mixed? What if we see ourselves more like water, who runs its course and rises and falls like tides? What if the two seemingly contradicting selves can coexist? What if we are borderless? What if we can choose to live on, discarding the borders that have been imposed upon us?
Ever since getting certified in permaculture design back in April, I've tried to incorporate the principles in my everyday life. The first principle is Observe & Interact. A large amount of the last four months has been observing my imposed borders and thought patterns and deciding whether I want to continue those or not.
We all know that mindfulness is good for us, but do we really understand why? Rob Walker, author of the Art of Noticing, emphasizes why paying attention is so important, not just for your own mental health:
Simple creativity, innovation, being an entrepreneur, being a coach, being a manager — all of these things really depend on having some ability to notice things and pay attention to what other people have overlooked. If you’re constantly looking in the same direction that everyone else is looking in because the culture is telling you to look that way, you are never going to see anything original, or notice anything original, which is really counterproductive.
Breaking out of thought patterns is another reason why I believe that everybody should consider therapy. If therapy isn't accessible, journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help. If you want ideas for journaling prompts or simply a listening ear, know that I'm always here.
Much love and light,
Amy
et cetera:
📚 reading
Jia Tolentino's Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion - I started with her essay: We Come from Old Virginia on UVA/sexual assault. Since then, enhanced by several conversations with friends and continued reflection on personal experiences, I've been thinking a lot about consent, victim blaming, gaslighting, and how systems of violence are perpetuated.
I had the opportunity to edit a summary of the book The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk before it was published online, and I'm really glad I did. Giving feedback forced me to read more actively so I retained more information, as opposed to the way I browse most articles. I am now more aware of different types of trauma (and how it's more applicable to me than I first thought), how it affects the brain and body, and more effective ways of managing it.
🖊 writing
I'm trying to show more of my work (hence this), instead of keeping my thoughts locked away in a notebook. I'm excited to say I published my first blog post this week! I don't even care that I think it sucks and has zero structure- I'm just glad that I produced something. Self-promotion and putting myself out there will come later, but it's encouraging to see that it's already been read in seven different countries.
I had an intro call with my editor on Friday and it's been cool to even say that I have an editor. Writing a book is NOT easy and I can see why 97% of people who start writing a book do not finish. I plan to be in the 3% who do. I've been researching a lot more into emotional intelligence and am excited for a bunch of interviews lined up in the coming weeks.
👀 watching
Parasite - I'm glad I finally got a chance to watch this thought provoking film on class and the divide between the rich/poor. I know I opened with saying how I'm embracing being alone, but I really should not have watched this by myself. That said, definitely worth the watch.
The Game Changers - A friend recommended this to me after he watched this and immediately decided to become vegan. While this isn't anything new (I'm sure we can all name people who watched Cowspiracy once and "swore off meat" for the rest of their lives), my biggest takeaway is that there are many ways to appeal to the same outcome. I've been sick of basic rich white girls owning the sustainable lifestyle narrative, so this was a refreshing watch as it catered to the competitive, top-performer, masculine type.
In terms of vegan documentaries, we’ve got Earthlings for the animal lovers, Cowspiracy for the earth lovers, What the Health and Forks Over Knives for the overall health, and now The Game Changers for the athletes/men (and yes, I've watched them all). While I've been quite flexible with my eating habits for well over a year now, it was a good reminder that being aware of what we put into our bodies and the impact food has on everything (health, animals, communities, land, Earth), is worth taking action on.
That's all, thanks for reading 💙
If any of this resonated with you, please forward or subscribe below to keep up with more musings. Or simply thank a friend for choosing to walk alongside your path, again and again.