“Guilt and anger and fear are part of the problem. If you want to save the world, save it because you love it.”
- Gary Snyder, Poet & Environmentalist
📣Thank you so so so much to those who have preordered Reclaiming Control or supported my book campaign in other ways— because of you all, I'm currently at 110% of my $4K baseline goal! All contributions above $4000 (the minimum for my publisher to publish a paperback) are going towards COVID19 relief 💛There are 30 hours left to preorder if you haven't already!
Hallo friends 🌸
How is it mid-April already…I’ve been welcoming Spring by planting green onions and flowers in the backyard, only to prepare for the frost that will be hitting the poor little things tomorrow 🤦🏻♀️.
I struggled with writing anything again (will it ever not be a struggle? stay tuned) and decided to expand on a theme of "grateful but guilty." I’ve encountered this theme a couple weeks now, not only with myself, but with multiple friends and communities as well.
Being responsible / aware of our privilege isn't anything new. The word "privilege" has become so weighted and complicated that oftentimes people tiptoe around the subject without actually getting into it. Discussions around the term can often get heated or charged, so I'd like to take a gentler approach with myself, at least. The following is a curious exploration of my own thoughts and feelings around this, and I invite you to do the same.
There's been a lot of expression around people feeling "grateful" or "lucky" (insert feeling of privilege here) but guilty. God forbid, some of us are even feeling happy or joyful with the time or opportunities that have been given to us! I understand this guilt, because it's been really hard to grapple with people in my own circle losing their jobs and/or getting sick, while others' biggest complaint is being bored (or perhaps they don't have any complaints and they're living their best lives now 🥴).
Someone once told me that any words following a statement with "but" effectively negates whatever came beforehand. So if you say "I'm really sorry, but I don't understand...", the "but" negates the apology. Similar to when you start a statement with "No offense, but...", you definitely know you're offending someone.
If we're extrapolating to this situation, saying "I feel grateful but guilty" negates the gratitude you feel, so that you really just feel terrible overall.
Now you might be thinking, Amy, that's semantics. Stop overthinking every word... and maybe you're right. If you've been struggling with this at any capacity though, you might want to experiment with this thought process because it's actually been helpful for me.
It's important to remember that as humans, we can feel grateful and guilty and compassionate and responsible and useless and whatever else, all at the same time.
Taking a page out of improv 101, the "Yes, and" approach helps validate yourself and allows yourself to be gentle with the complexities that come with being human.
It's true that this crisis illuminates existing divides more than ever before. Again, this isn't anything new. All of this existed before, it's just that the current situation acts as a magnifying glass for almost everything. My hope is that people will no longer be able to turn a blind eye and maybe things will be able to change in the right direction, which is a tangent for another time.
I can't help but feel icky that so many people are struggling to keep afloat whereas half my Twitter feed is filled with people comparing fancy ergonomic work-from-home setups (apparently elliptical desks > treadmills because they take up less space).
Like I said in Ch. 15, we might all be in the same storm, but we are not all in the same boat.
I'm not saying that ergonomic issues aren't real issues. I know how real back/neck/shoulder pains are from sitting all day. I'm not trying to host any sort of oppression olympics here and you all know that thinking in a hierarchy-of-suffering framework can get problematic.
It's not the suffering itself that I'm uncomfortable with, it's the divide between them. That, however, is again another tangent on my list to write about later.
With the illumination on this divide more than ever, an added layer of complexity is that while there is significantly more detriment to vulnerable, marginalized populations, the virus could also affect anyone, however rich / privileged you may be. No matter what position we're in, we feel obliged to succumb to an underlying layer of anxiety and fear.
To feel anything but would almost be a betrayal to humanity. The world is suffering! How I can I feel joyful or grateful right now??? *cue the shame and guilt cycle on repeat*
So what if we tried something else? What if we simply accepted our feelings for what they are without judgment or guilt? What if each feeling were a gift that we could accept and hold with care, and then choose to act based on what we are given? This isn’t to make anyone with privilege simply feel better; it’s an invitation to act responsibly with love and awareness instead of guilt, fear, or blame.
The illustrated words below by my wise friend Sara articulates this in such a beautiful way.
and part 2 when you flip it:
This New York Times interview with Jack Kornfield (thanks to my Buddhism professor who continues sends us relevant articles three years later) is a thoughtful and honest exploration of this. When Jack Kornfield asks the columnist, David Marchese, how is this going for you?, they have the following exchange:
MARCHESE: Well, if you’re willing to indulge me: I feel that I’m lucky enough not to have had to deal with any serious health issues, and I’m doing a good job of being a husband and a dad in this weird time. So I’m fine. I’m lucky, and I’m fine. But just underneath that feeling of fine is a real strain of fear and uncertainty. I don’t know what my question is. I guess I just want someone to tell me that having those conflicting feelings — and feeling guilt about being scared while I’m in such a relatively fortunate position — is all OK.
KORNFIELD: How does it feel to say all that out loud to me? My guess is that it’s helpful, because you’re acknowledging: “I’m doing OK. Even though the virus is rampaging through New York City, I have a job, and I have my family sequestered for now.” So you can feel all those things. You can feel guilt. All of those are natural, and it’s not helpful to judge the feelings, because you don’t ask for them. They arise. But what you can do, as you just did, is acknowledge that these are all part of being human and that the field of mindfulness can hold them. Then you can say, “How do I tend this moment?” You’re tending it by doing your work, which is a source of understanding. You’re tending your family. And your acknowledgment of this is helpful. It can make other people feel like, “Oh, it’s OK to be a human being.”
idk who needs to hear this, but here I am telling you that having conflicting feelings is okay.
The next time you feel something, catch yourself and say Yes, and ______.
It's okay to be a human being.
Much light and love,
Amy
et cetera
I've been consuming less information overall this week, so I don't have that many links to share oops.
If anyone is interested in donating during this time (out of love, not out of guilt ❣️), Yogi (an analytics platform for customer experience...nothing to do with yoga that I know of lol) put together Donate for Covid, a comprehensive, data-driven analysis of issues along with a list of charities.
📚 reading
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb
Finally getting around to starting this and I'm already loving it.
The original Winnie the Pooh stories
Very thankful for this birthday gift I received a couple years ago. I've been reading these as bedtime stories and they're quite soothing.
🖊 writing
Background for the newcomers— I’m writing a book titled Reclaiming Control: Looking Inward to Recalibrate Your Life, slated for publication in July 2020.
Seriously, THANK YOU to everyone who has supported my preorder campaign. It truly truly means the world. If you haven't preordered a copy yet, you can do so below for the next 30 hours :)
The next six weeks are intense editing / revamping my manuscript. If you've preordered and are a beta reader, look out for released chapters and opportunities to vote on my cover design 🤗
🎶 listening
Tom Ameen, a wonderful pianist, recently released an album of Disney classics in an album titled Old Time Magic. I've been trying to train myself to work and write to music (even instrumental music tends to distract me unless I’m doing mind-numbing spreadsheet work), and this album has been a pleasant balance of relaxation and positivity.
Last week, Ramiro and I hosted our first guest on Phoneaholics Anonymous! We had the pleasure of chatting with AJ Rice, the founder and CEO of Privo Mobile, a dumb phone designed for kids with a modern user experience and interface.
That's all, thanks for reading 💛
If any of this resonated with you, feel free to share or subscribe below to keep up with more musings. You can read past letters here. If you want to chat about anything, anything at all, feel free to reply to this email or schedule a time here.