I'm on a break
for anyone who dislikes the "what do you do" question
“A person’s identity is like a pattern drawn on a tightly stretched parchment. Touch just one part of it, just one allegiance, and the whole person will react, the whole drum will sound.”
— Amin Maalouf
I've never had great reactions to the standard questions people ask each other when first meeting.
In college, it was "What's your major?" Do I explain how I made my own major with whatever classes I wanted to take and somehow graduated with an engineering degree?
to the adult version of "What do you do?" I know what you're asking me is what I do to earn money, but that's probably the last thing I want to talk about right now.
and then of course the classic "Where are you from?" Do I get into how I grew up between China and the U.S. and never really tied the feeling of home to a location?
When I'd be at parties with mostly nyc finance/tech people and somebody asks the typical question of "Where do you work?", you could visibly see ears perk up and brains activating the "oh okay she's a person worth talking to now" switch. I hated that I'd feel a sudden flash of validation and belonging, only to immediately feel the emptiness wash over me afterwards.
For a little background: I quit my job at the end of June to do nothing.
If your internal alarms are blaring because I said that, you're not alone— mine did for a long time too. Well actually, they still are and I'm ignoring them now.
Nope, I didn't wake up one day with a brilliant startup idea. I didn't have a successful side hustle that I'm transitioning into full time. I'm not looking for any other jobs (though this one took me some time to fully accept myself). I'm simply on a break. For the last half of a year, I've operated on knowing what I'm doing three months out, and that's working for me right now. Mind you, this is coming from someone who made a detailed twenty year plan when she was ten years old.
Depending on where I am or who I'm with (tying into last week's thoughts on context-based behavior), I smile and say "I'm taking a gap year and potentially preparing for grad school!" This seems to be an acceptable answer for people to wrap their minds around (sorry mom/dad/previous managers, I have made zero progress on the potential preparation for grad school).
Others I joke with and say that I'm on my Eat Pray Love journey— which, now that I'm traveling a bit and writing a book, doesn't seem too far off. Although I recognize my immense privilege to be able to do this in the first place and am working on how to be responsible with this, I unfortunately do not have a $200,000 publisher's advance and have zero desire of writing anything falling under the genre of priv-lit.
After deciding to pursue this path, it took me time to come up with an acceptable answer to the question of what I'm doing. A couple weeks into my intentionally homeless and jobless state, I attended a couple of conferences. I had to introduce myself to dozens of people, having a full out identity crisis each time.
"Hi, I'm Amy." Please don't ask where I live or what I do
"Hi Amy! Where are you coming from?"
Even though I appreciated this question adjusted to context of a conference where people are flying in from all over, my brain still automatically did a series of mental gymnastics. Do I tell them the literal answer of San Diego, where I was for the past week? Or that I just took a road trip across the U.S.? Or do I say New York, where I lived for the past year? Or perhaps Virginia, where I'll be going back to for a couple weeks?
The good part was that with all this practice, I got used to saying who I was out loud. With each revised answer, I got a little more confident and accurate between the internal and external portrayal of myself.
When sharing bits of my story with a new friend, she told me how her husband responds to the "what do you do" question with a confident "Mainly nothing". While she attributed this confidence to his HBS educated, inherited wealthy, white male privilege, she stressed how important it was to not be afraid to own what I'm doing.
I ultimately landed on the "I'm on the road for a little bit, taking a break" answer. I realized that when saying this out loud so many times, I started to internalize it as well.
Somehow along the way, I had forgotten how to take a true break. Even my free time was spent "productively"— attending events, trying workout classes, or packing in as many brunch / dinner dates as possible. These were fun and sometimes energizing, of course, but I didn't allow myself a consistent, active practice of slowing down and recalibrating. When I did allow myself a break, it was usually the mindless, numbing type of indulgence, a result of burnout, or the stressful type of relaxation that was moreso procrastination. I had gotten really good at working in sprints, like so many of us are trained to do.
For example, when I knew I was going to be in San Francisco for a week, my mind immediately started reeling into sprint mode as to what meetings I should set up, who to get coffee chats with, etc. I had to consciously remind myself: YOU ARE ON A BREAK. Just like Ross, except to/about myself and the world.
One of my favorite people on the internet wrote this blog post about the infamous case of the grown elephant being tied to a tiny post, not trying to break free because when it was little, it tried and wasn't able to.
When the elephant wakes up to the reality that it’s tied to a post, it shouldn’t waste its time talking to other tied elephants. Rather, it should spend its time working to pull itself free from the post. Maybe it should spend some time talking with FREE elephants, yes. And maybe it should read about elephants that have gotten free before. But even that is an activity that it has to be mindful of, because there are thousands of elephants who sit around murmuring about how nice it would be to free, and read articles about Top 10 Creative Habits Of Successful Elephants, and what Elephant Musk’s Greatest Secret To Success Is.
So what am I doing? I'm working to pull myself free from the post that I've been trained my entire life to stick to. I'm breaking freeeee (sorry, I had to)
Let me emphasize that you do not have to take extreme measures like I did to take a mindful break or pursue your own path. Even though what I'm doing now may seem like an immediate plunge, my decision was years in the making. You can start small (permaculture principle #9!)— experiment with a new skill or hobby, ask meaningful questions when meeting new people, or take a staycation. And as always, I'm here if you'd like to chat.
Much light and love,
Amy
et cetera:
If anyone needs ideas for different questions:
📚 reading
I've been continuing Jia Tolentino’s Trick Mirror. I found the essay Always Be Optimizing (which you can find an abridged version here), to be extremely relevant.
Today’s ideal woman is of a type that coexists easily with feminism in its current market-friendly and mainstream form. This sort of feminism has organized itself around being as visible and appealing to as many people as possible; it has greatly over-valorized women’s individual success. Feminism has not eradicated the tyranny of the ideal woman but, rather, has entrenched it and made it trickier. These days, it is perhaps even more psychologically seamless than ever for an ordinary woman to spend her life walking toward the idealized mirage of her own self-image.
The above quote also showed up in this thought-provoking Guardian report on the Wing, which continued to spur thoughts on the commodification of personal development in this age of constant self optimization.
How much of my own idealized self-image is a product of systematized societal and cultural conditioning? And does it matter? *Cue the classic nurture v nature debate* This came up when having a conversation about characteristics of people from various cultures— one reason why I continue to advocate that traveling and meeting people from different environments is so important for establishing a sense of place in this world.
🖊 writing
I didn't do too much public writing beyond bookwriting this week, but I did start future self journaling with a template by Dr. Nicole LePera, also known as @theholisticpsychologist on Instagram. I've been doing a version of journaling for shifting patterns of behavior for a while now, but it has been good to follow a more targeted, consistent format.
🙈 playing
A lot of the past week was dedicated to playing with my 11-month-old niece. With her mother's permission (hi i know you're reading this), if you reply to this email maybe I'll respond with a picture of her meeting a baby husky :')
I spent way too much time comparing my internet laugh style to other people’s. These are some my results, if anyone's curious lol
I also went on a couple of beautiful nature walks, observing the changing leaves. Here's a fun, interactive article for anyone who loves ~ fall foliage ~ as much as I do.
That's all, thanks for reading 💛
If any of this resonated with you, feel free to share or subscribe below to keep up with more musings. Or simply take a break— a true break, without expectations for yourself.